Why Couples Get Stuck in a Loop of Conflict
Maybe you’ve been with your partner for a while now & you’re noticing that all your fights feel the same - the same topics, the same feelings, the same disconnect. Maybe the topics change, one night it’s the dishes, the next week it’s about going out with friends, the next week it’s about parenting, but you ultimately feel like you’re not being understood and now you’re feeling disconnected, frustrated, and upset.
So, why are all these fights feeling the same?!
In Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, we use the metaphor of a negative interaction cycle. This cycle is what fuels the same conflicts, same feelings, and same results in your relationship. The cycle gives us language to describe both what’s happening externally (the yelling, the shut down, the mean comments, the people pleasing) and what’s happening internally (the overwhelm, the fear, the judgement, the anger, the risk of losing your partner). Often, couples have a really hard time describing what’s happening internally, so it comes out sideways when you externalize it. This can look like, “my partner doesn’t think about me and I feel all alone” internally & when it comes out externally it is, “why can’t you just care about me and do things I like to do?!” in a yell. While the deep emotions are being felt, they’re scary to say out loud, so anger starts to protect you from deep vulnerability.
We call this a cycle or a loop because both partners actions and emotions impact each other. Conflict isn’t, partner A → partner B or Partner A ← Partner B, instead conflict is Partner A←→ Partner B. It is the loop of impacting one another that keeps the conflict going.
Ok, the negative cycle… how do we change it?!
We first bring awareness to the cycle! You can’t change something you don’t see happening.
When I first start working with couples we externalize the cycle. I also encourage couples to see the cycle as the enemy, not each other. And, when you’ve been together awhile and keep seeing the same behaviors from your partner, this can be tough!
The cycle is externalized, what’s next?
Externalzing the cycle brings some sense of stabalization - you now have a common enemy, the cycle that wants to keep conflict up, connection down, and you and your partner seperate.
Now, we get to the underlying relational needs that are at the core of your disconnect and conflict. We also start to get into the vulnerable feelings (fear, judgement, loneliness, etc) that are being missed.
In session, you will learn how to feel these vulnerable feelings without running away from them, you will learn how to share these feelings to your partner without blame or shame, and your partner will learn how to respond to these feelings, increasing safety and trust in the relationship. You will practice this new dance often and I will help bring language and groundedness to our sessions.
Ready to stop the negative cycle and learn how to turn conflict into connection?
These negative cycles are part of every human relationship - we all learn to cope with dissapointment and we all learn how to protect ourselves. Your relationship is not doomed or a failure because of the negative cycle.
If you’re ready to stop the negative cycle and see this time as an opportunity for deeper and more meaningful connection with your partner, reach out here!
I offer in-person couples therapy in the Queen Anne neighborhood of Seattle, WA or telehealth couples therapy in Washington state.
